Another heavy topic. So easy throwing words into the ring, carefree and spontaneous. However, it is an entirely different experience to write and relate personally to them...
Well, here we go. This ~ is actually an epic reveal of recent realizations, with some added history.
Last night we stood quietly and breathlessly as the New Moon sickle hung calmly in the north western sky just before dark. A pink fine light illuminated the silhouette outlining the mountainous landscape surrounding the Lake.
Splashing and squawking sounds, as often at dark, clearly coming from Gus's bay across the Lake. Lightning fast moving ghost wing flocks above our heads swoosh by, invisible to the eye.
Three mergansers float by peacefully ~ perhaps last years' ducklings, revisiting. Barred Owl sounds a brief warning in the ancient yellow birch branches high above. This time of year, pre black flies, is precious. No other humans on the Lake until weekend, I am guessing. The perks of self employment afford us this gift when possible. Robinson Crusoe vibes...
Any of us emerge from childhood scarred by one thing or another, often not quite getting down to the root of said scars during our life time, which leaves us to the mercy of life experiences to figure out next steps.
Eureka moments merely last a minute before it's back to the grind of ponder. The 'Why's' are sweetened only by the amazement of raising children or by perhaps buying a house boat.
Having grown up in a quaint post WW2 house with 1 WW1 survivor, 4 WW2 survivors and sharing a room with my older sister; the only space for free creative unfoldings was the outdoors.
There were rather strict rules household elders applied (as learned during their own youth): old world encouragement in my youth consisted of doubting oneself, 'don't tell the neighbours or something terrible might happen', keeping in line with your head down and accept society's pressures to succeed.
All this was sadly fear born; dark leftovers carried over from their youth spent during the Hitler regime. Add to that shame, guilt and other horrifying war memories. Mother, father, aunt, uncle and grandma ~ nobody talked about it. Fears of being arrested and prosecuted were deeply imbedded to last a lifetime. Carried over from their wartime experiences, their childhood learned behaviour had firmly settled into their psyches, ready to transfer over to unsuspecting next generations ~ to my sister and I. Of course, we unconsciously learned to hold paralyzing fear, without ever knowing why...
My older sister responded by becoming a rebel, while I picked up the imaginary pink shades and became a dreamer ~ seeing beauty in all things family and taking to the outdoors to escape reality...
Childhood dreams took place in tree forts, roaming through nearby forests near the Alster River behind our house and dreams of becoming a singer were largely confined to singing in our local church choir. Going on short weekend tours to other parishes with the choir got me 'out of Dodge' while later on joining youth group trips with the YMCA as a teen took me to Denmark, Italy and Sweden. But my strongest dream was always to travel to Canada, while longing for freedom & to live meaningfully within nature.
Jump way forward and to this day, I am still struggling to figure out why I am the only one in my family so passionate about music. Having bounced endlessly off self inflicted walls, limiting myself and being way too shy, I still managed periodically to conquer fears and crawl, jump, fly over hurdles, reaching musical goals with painstaking effort, only to feel glorious notions of finally succeeding!
Scrolling forward again ~ the past 2 years following the release of my epic Solitüde second album ~ I have felt the need to improve on myself.. taking a music theory course, piano lessons both in-person and online, composition online and recently guitar lessons only to find out 'it's not for me'. Frustration...
But now, finally.. I have arrived. Something happened. I had a long, loud laugh and suddenly realized ~ I am perfectly brilliant 'as is'! No need for forced improvements, my natural 'by ear' musical singing talent is more than enough, a beautiful instrument in itself, just as Jazz Master and my amazing mentor Sheila Jordan has always stressed. In her words to us vocalists: "Professional jazz musicians are just full of themselves. I have not had a single lesson in my entire life and learned to sing Bebop Charlie Parker tunes from vinyl records, I wore them out and can keep up with the best of them."
No need pursuing stuff that's not meant for us ~ let's be at peace with ourselves.
I am MORE than enough!
Jazz vocalist, solo performer, writer, photographer, mother, partner, naturalist.